i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
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Right off the bat - Demisexual.
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).Yes.
– Frost
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it’s achieving that, it’s the right label!
No, they can be useful for helping a person find their identity but first and foremost they’re descriptors. You shouldn’t be claiming to people that you’re blue eyed if you don’t have blue eyes even if you’ve lived your whole life thinking you did until just recently after looking in the mirror for the first time.
It doesn’t sound like calling yourself blue eyed in that circumstance would help you exist in and navigate the world…
Only if you consider lying to yourself and others helpful for navigating the world
That’s why sexuality labels and identity labels are best when they’re self chosen. People get to decide for themselves what helps and what fits. And part of that whole process is dealing with other people offering their opinions, whether you asked for them or not. That stuff impacts the labels people choose and/or the labels people choose to share.
Most labels aren’t as simple as physical descriptors.
I didn’t say physical I only used it as my example
And your example didn’t fit this situation, because it’s a purely physical descriptor.
Okay? You shouldn’t call yourself gay if you’re not. Happy now?
How happy can they be if not gay? It literally means happy
dude im struggling with this exact same thing T_T ace has such a “strict” definition that i technically don’t fit into but the label has always felt right to me and i relate a lot to the asexual experience. but yeah what everyone else is sayin— you’re still valid and you can consider yourself whatever you want. also, labels are tools, so if they aren’t helping and are rather causing distress, then dont even worry about all that :)) (easier said than done, i know)
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Fuck/don’t fuck whoever you want, you’ll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
The Vegan Police, on the other hand, are very serious business.
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
Just ignore the labels. They’re one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you’ll never be able to properly wear any of them. They’re ultimately pointless things anyway.
Labels help organize descriptions. They’re not always one-size-fits-all concepts. They’re only treated that way because people are fucking stupid in general.
It is as easy to figure out who you are by: Looking up more than one source on a label. Studying yourself and your experiences and then seeing if that aligns with said label. Stick with it, but stick with it by YOUR findings, stop contrasting and comparing with OTHER people’s findings because they probably don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about and only want to feel special.
If we had no labels, then there’s already people running around probably believing that they can be completely bisexual and only, strictly being attracted to one sex that they believe is slightly a fourth gender somewhere. Because again, people are fucking stupid.
I don’t see any reason you can’t be anything you want to be.
You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that’s valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you’ll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it’s any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn’t. If it is, then by all means, check whether it’s valid with them, not us.
