Recently requested my data from Amazon. I received gigabytes worth of audio files of Alexa commands that I said. You can hear my voice, sometimes music in the background, I even found my previous girlfriend setting timers with Alexa. Years of my life. It’s genuinely unsettling.

Ah, The Orb, absolute classic. Sometimes people would get out of their cars to check out our contraption. Their abandoned cars would be found weeks later in the old creek. Good old times.

My renter complained that her dishwasher was broken. Bought her a new dishwasher. Complaints stopped because dishwasher works.

When I’m up at night and I can’t sleep… does that mean that there are monsters nearby?

Wait, you guys can read?