That makes me wonder again.
How do they separate the effects of genetics from behavior you have learned from your parents?

Especially considering it is often said that most of your behavior is learned from the first few years of your life.
Apparently conditions like Autism and Complex PTSD also have a lot of overlapping symptoms and it can be difficult to distinguish one from the other. (And often they are also co-occuring)

I think sense (and emotions) are some of the most difficult things to remember for me. Which might explain why certain things which are easy for others are very difficult for me. While other things are much easier to me than for most people.

Makes me wonder how many people with Aphantasia have actually had a traumatic childhood.

Because for me it also seems almost like I don’t want to remember things or maybe my mind is unconsciously trying to process something or suppress something and that actually influences my capacity to remember and imagine things.

Maybe i’ve never really spent time learning how my body works and what I want. I’ve always felt like I shouldn’t really have any needs because then I would take space from other people. Not sure where that comes from.

I wouldn’t attempt, I will write it down as soon as I have more than 1 thing to do.

Laundry specifically can be a bit tricky, because I might remember to do it and put the clothes in the machine and run it. Then forget that I was running a wash and accidentally stumble upon it a few hours later, clothes wet in the machine.

If I remember to take them out and hang them. I will often forget to take them back inside when they are dry. (it’s different depending on the sun, so not really something I can set a timer for)

Often I won’t notice until the next day, and then I might have to wait a bit longer to make sure they dry again if they got damp overnight.

That’s nice to hear. I’ve had this one day this year, where I was feeling… I suppose I would call it ‘safe’. And then I would have motivation to do things, and when I watched a tv show, I could actually feel a bit the emotions of the characters in the show.

First time i’ve experienced something like that.

I used to lock up on questions like what was your favorite vacation. I would literally try to remember every vacation I’ve had (already very difficult) then try to compare them (almost impossible)

So usually I would have no response.

This also made learning language difficult, because during practice they ask these kind of questions all the time. But I wouldn’t even be able to answer in my native language. They just thought my language was not good.

Yeah, I’ve always felt like it was an uphill battle. All the things I’ve tried in the past I usually give up after some time. Even things like medication seem to have very limited or sometimes opposite effects on me.

I tried virtual sessions before, but find them not that useful to work on the things I have trouble with, if that makes sense? But maybe somebody with the right experience would still be able to make it work.

It was suggested to me to focus on some form of somatic therapy, rather than talk therapy, to first learn how to listen to and understand the signals my own body is sending to me.

It’s only recently I even understand that my emotions don’t seem to work like they do for typical people. I’m already glad I have some more specific direction to look for now.

Thanks for your comment

I checked the link you sent me and a lot does apply to me.

I know that I have a strong reaction in general when something doesn’t go well. But I am also scared of showing or expressing it, so it seems like I subconsciously suppress my reaction. Instead, I will feel pain in my stomach or a headache.

I also wouldn’t say I have heightened emotions, but maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed most of the time, so I end up feeling numb.

Must be kinda funny to be just sitting there one moment, and then the next suddenly you need to have KFC. Do you find it odd yourself, or you just go out immediately to get your potato and gravy?

I always felt a bit different than most people, and just not sharing experience which seems to be common. But at the same time I’ve heard it’s not really good to compare yourself to others.

I would say all therapists are unusual to me, because they are able to remember what we said after our session. Write a report about it, and continue where we left of in the next session. For me that feels like an amazing ability to have.

I think I’ve never really felt that safe with a psychologist. Especially if they are talking much, I tend to just agree with them and I can’t really think very well at the same time.
It also seems like they have no idea that I’m feeling distressed.
I often would cough and vomit before an appointment, but be relatively ok during (because I’m focusing on the conversation), only to be exhausted afterwards. But none ever mentioned me looking stressed or anxious or anything.

Would be great if I can find somebody who is Autistic and has experience with CPTSD. But I have no clue how to look for that. And I don’t really live close by a lot of options, and traveling far drains my energy fast, so I can’t really do much in the session anymore, apart from sitting there and listening.

I’ve read a bit about IFS, but I can’t even imagine different parts of myself. Seems like very difficult to work on that

Not really.

I don’t remember much but I feel like they were just absent. My father was usually abroad for work.

My mother was working full time and also taking care of me, my sister and my brother. I’m not sure how she managed as I don’t recall there being a nanny or something. I do know that my brother needed a lot of attention though, so my mother was happy she didn’t need to pay much attention to me since I was just sitting in my room and being silent.

Wow interesting. I also have difficulty in general keeping things in my mind. If somebody tells me 3 things to do, I might forget the next two things when working on the first.

Maybe it’s related?

Yes! Maybe a bit too much even. I make a lot of notes to remember what I’m supposed to be doing, or for habits like brushing my teeth. and I even wrote a journal for a long time almost everyday.

But I write mostly about the things that happened during that day, not so much about emotions. Maybe because I just don’t really know what to write.

When I look back on these entries, it always feels to me like they were written by somebody else.

But somehow it’s helping I suppose, since journaling has been the starting point for me discovering all this stuff. I started almost 10 years ago though, and still find it difficult to feel my own feelings and emotions. But being able to write this and share it with others would have been impossible for me only a year ago. I wouldn’t have the idea, or would forget about it, or would feel to uncomfortable to share.

I also forget that I wrote about certain things and sometimes find separate notes where I write about the same stuff again and again.

It doesn’t really have colour no. But it differs quite a bit from day to day.

Some days I can try imagining something and it will just be nothing. just looking at my closed eyelids Other days I can have this very vague idea of an apple, but usually no color and it’s not very stable. Once in a while. like maybe once a year, I have this very clear, almost lucid image of an entire landscape, but only for a fraction of a second.

I don’t really imagine much when reading. And in general images don’t pop up in my head if I’m not actively trying.

Yeah, im surprised I can’t seem to find much information about this.

I think for me it seems more about the ‘control board’ though. Because there are moments, usually about a day or two per month, where I seem to be able to tell my needs. So then you would think the sensor is fine.

Usually on those days I write a lot. So that I have some pointers later for myself when I eventually forget again

Not currently using any medication. Except for my stomach because I was vomiting almost every day for the past weeks.

I think a lack of enthusiasm has been kinda the default for me for as long as I remember

I think that’s the reason I kinda stopped browsing on reddit and even Lemmy. I don’t really ‘feel’ sad when reading all this news, but I think it still brings me down somehow.

I don’t really have much people to talk to though, so I still try to ask questions from time to time.

I think it’s already nice that so many people answered.

So that’s like bad interoception then? But can that be improved?

Or is it just like bad eyesight that you’re stuck with that for life?

It does feel like that sometimes. I notice that when there is a moment where it would make sense to be angry, I instead just feel headache or stomachache, but don’t really feel any emotion.

I don’t know whether I experienced any trauma. I just don’t remember much. Especially emotional things I don’t remember.

In fact, I had a conversation with my father recently. And I remember we got emotional about something. But right after the conversation, I can’t remember anymore what we talked about.