One thing to note is that you are not alone with this feeling, in fact when I read your post it really remindend me of the song ‘I am Machine’ from Breaking Benjamin if you like Rock/Metal music.

Also if you do not want another cosmic scale existential crisis, please do not look up the meaning behind my username ;)

Basically, this idea, illustrated through a terrible quality meme:

At some point, you get to accept the freedom this idea gives to you. And with that, comes not only appreciation of big moments of leisure and joy (like what you described as writing poetry and listening to cicadas), but also little moments of everyday life.

When you get to your job next time, try to stay out of your smartphone and be vigilant.

• A cute cat runs across the road
• Flowers bloom around
• A smell of recently mown grass fills the air
• Someone has made an art on the wall
• Someone wore a shirt with the inscription that made you smile
• People across talk about a BBQ party, or how quickly kids grow up, or plan a new friends meeting
• A stranger needs help. Maybe you can offer one, and you’ll wish each other a good day?

There are millions of such moments happening every day. Keep an eye out of them, and you’ll see the life happens all the time, not only on vacations.

It’s a traumatic part of growth. Every culture has a defined path you’re supposed to go down and pretend like you enjoy it but the reality of people is so much more complex than that we all hit the point where the contradictions between ourselves and the lives we are living becomes too much and changes need to be made. You can’t go back to pretending you are completely fine with what you thought you were fine with, you can only move forward. As for how to deal with this world in all its beauties and horrors now that you see it a bit more clearly, being around other real life humans who also see it clearly helps a lot. We weren’t meant to go through this alone.

I echo others in that I don’t personally feel like it will “go away”.

But I guess I view it kind of like I view trauma and grief. It will still always be there, but you can build your life outward from there so that it feels less significant with time. It might still bring you back and catch you off guard some days with how strong it will feel, even if you think you’ve “moved past” it. But you can get through it. Time and living life will help to make that a comparatively smaller part.

Best of luck.

cannabis

lots of weed

You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.

Marcus Cole, Babylon 5

Time brings acceptance, because you can only be freaked out by something for so long

Went to my university library and checked out a ton of books about death. It was helpful to get a lot of takes on it, including multiple philosophical and religious deep dives. I no longer feared death afterward for some time. It gave me the courage to ditch my shitty job and start a new life 1500 miles away on a shoestring budget. Sometimes you’ve just gotta shake things up to feel alive again. Even if it means living like a hobo for a while.

I read your last post and it hit pretty close to home for me. In 2024, my partner had two strokes. Since then, a few friends and family members have passed away unexpectedly.

To top it all off, a family friend just found out she had brain cancer. The dr said she had 6 weeks to live, unless she did chemo every day for at least 30 days, which would give her another 12-14 months.

I’m leaving my stable job of 22 years (which has slowly been sucking the soul out of me) on Friday and I can’t wait to start a new chapter in my life.

It’s sounds cliche, but life is short. If you’re unhappy you need to make change.

E: words are hard

Existential things are my interest. I dwell in the crisis till my ego dissolves.

Not a solution but: physical touch, affection and quality time with loved ones is a very nice and effective way to feel a bit better (even if just for a brief moment), and to ground yourself back into the “here and now”. I guess you could say it is a kind of “coping mechanism” or something like that for those times when you feel like you’re spiralling into a maelstrom of existential dread.

You don’t overcome it. You just ride it out.

You don’t snap out of out. You either try your best to avoid thinking about it or you sit with it and all the emotions that come with it.

The fact that our lives will come to an end makes every moment we have more precious. These are unique experiences that cannot be replicated.

Easy to say, and I do believe it, but also…

Boomers like my parents chose and still choose to perpetuate abusive systems instead of opposing them. I spent too long thanking them for teaching me violence because any other reaction would be met with violence. Why am I supposed to feel grateful about being born into a backwards, burning slave world?

I am finally getting treatment for alcohol dependency. I want to stop hiding from my own life, but I don’t know how. I wasted myself on people who don’t actually care about anything but themselves. It sometimes feels like there is too much pain for anything to be worthwhile, but I am also too scared to check out early.

So… I don’t know. We have a lot of problems to solve. Things may get worse before they get better, but there is potential for things to get better. Theoretically. 🤷 I hope they get better for everyone, including you. I wish I knew.