I’m a guy, so I can’t truly say first-hand. However…

I know that my current girlfriend (27F) has what I think would be considered " vaginismus ", which is a condition where she finds penetrative sex extremely difficult, due to some combination of fear and (at least anticipation of) pain. Basically she has a visceral panic/pain reaction to even the idea of having something inserted into her vagina, and that is followed pretty quickly with an emotional follow-up in which she wells up and feels abnormal and generally bad about herself.

To be honest I haven’t had a ton of sexual partners, and this was not even something that I was aware existed before starting my relationship with her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that it’s OK if I want to find someone else to have sex with if it’s something that I need, but I don’t feel good about that and I feel that she’s only saying it because she is worrying about me having my needs met… She does masturbate and uses a vibrator to do it in a “shallow” way. She has considered herself asexual at times, which I fully respect, but I also think may be something of a coping mechanism, considering her problem goes beyond sex and into other parts of her relationship with her own body, for example visiting an gynecologist or even just putting a tampon in!

Personally, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this concept, and even though we’ve talked about it at length I’m not 100% sure whether this is a manifestation of physical pain, or psychological phobia, or both.

I want to be understanding to her and we’re working through it together, but it is difficult for both of us to navigate on an emotional level. I should add that we’re both kinky, and so we have other ways of enjoying “sex” with each other that are not penetrative vaginal sex, and that she is starting therapy for this condition. I really love and care about her, and I want to support her and give her the time and space she needs to figure this stuff out. I’ve done some reading into it, naturally, but as a guy it feels basically unknowable to me!

She’s generally a functional adult but maybe somewhat autistic, and her feelings from this range from embarrassment and shame to pain and self-hatred… so she isn’t always the best at putting her precise words to her feelings. I have asked her if she has had a history of sexual abuse or trauma, and she said “no”. To be honest, she has had some strange ideas about men and sex in the past, referring to sex as “inherently violent” and likening the penis to a “stabbing” weapon. She has had a history of dabbling in lesbianism and is well-educated in various waves of feminism, and hasn’t ever had a boyfriend before me. My understanding is that she has had this mental/physical block for her whole life, even to the point of getting extremely anxious and passing out in sex ed class, or something along those lines.

So, that’s a long way of saying, “no, not all women enjoy sex”, in my experience. 😔

I honestly wish I could say it was somehow my fault–like, I wish it was just because I am terrible at sex. 😂 Because that would make it so much simpler… My girlfriend is a sweet and loving person, and it really makes me sad to think that she has such a deeply painful and antagonistic relationship with her own body and sexuality. It really makes me sad to know that she can’t even put a tampon in without having an intense emotional reaction.

I imagine that she’s not alone in this either, and that there are women all over the world who share this experience, even though it’s not something that’s commonly talked about. I don’t know if your experience is similar or not, but if it is, then please know that you’ve not alone!

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling comment, but I guess I’ve been looking for an outlet to talk about this stuff…