Hi, guys. It’s Larry/Jay. Ever since I was around 8, I wanted to do what the boys did and hang out with them. Sadly, I even went through a “girls stink” phase and my role models were my dad and male heroes. I liked it when I saw clothes that were for boys and I got super happy when my hair was cut short because I’d look like a boy. However, I was sheltered from LGBTQ stuff, so I just thought I was a tomboy.
The gender dysphoria never truly went away. When I was 11, I had another “role model”, a male character. I wanted to wear a hoodie to hide my long hair and chest and “embody” his male spirit. I even wanted to be called a “he” sometimes. I stopped telling anyone and felt bad about it though when my at the time friend laughed at me.
13, I started experimenting with FtM identity because I never felt fully female like at all, and I always wanted to be like male characters I saw and identified more with them and saw myself AS them. Detransitioned or “desisted” when my girlfriend started bullying guys and especially trans guys.
On-and-off, I’ve been trans and from what I remember, usually being called “she” or a “girl”, triggered me to start acting fem again.
But even with my family, even identifying as a girl, I feel like a boy and I felt dysphoria by being called “she”.
I don’t even know if I’m truly genderfluid or just FtM due to this since it seems from what I remember, I go back to being a girl due to force or feeling unaccepted.
I’m a trans woman and I think I’ve experienced something similar. I really like being a woman and there’s no way I’d go back, but as I feel more confident in my identity, certain “masculine” things about me don’t make me dysphoric the way they used to.
For example, I’ve voiced trained, but sometimes I really don’t mind and even intentionally use my masc voice just cause I feel like it, while other days it just makes me dysphoric.
I have questioned on and off if I am nonbinary or have some amount of genderfluidity. And my answer always is idk, I just feel like me and I’m okay with that. So honestly, just do what makes you happy, and don’t worry too much about labels.